{Rainbows…I saw the End!! For Real!!}

The other day Michael and I were on our way to OHSU for a doctor appointment. It was overcast but breaks of sunshine were coming through. I experienced something for the first time in my life…

I was at the END of the rainbow……FOR REAL!!

I have to say, it was kind of an emotional experience for me. I was in awe as I could see where the rainbow met with the earth right in front of me. The sudden feeling of being thankful was almost too much to bear as I had to hold back my tears{so we didn’t get in an accident}.
It was like how people describe dying, all of your life flashes before your eyes and suddenly you are thinking about all the people in your life that are important to you. The people you love.

As a child I always wondered what is really at the end of the rainbow. I am proud to announce it is better than the anticipated pot of gold.

Before I had Michael if you asked me what would make me happy to find at the end of the rainbow I would have given you a list of materialistic items, money and all of it would be selfish.
Now I find myself content as I finally reached the end of the rainbow and I have more than I ever dreamed of having in this life. I have many people in my life that I love, cherish and am so thankful for.

My son, Michael is one of those people.

Michael my sweetest boy, you were worth the wait to see what was at the end of the rainbow. You have changed me forever, you have opened my eyes to what is truly important in this life and I am a better person because of you.

{Then there were TWO}

In the beginning our journey as a family consisted of 3 people, Al, Maddy and me.
Maddy had the privilege of being “the only child” all attention on her.

Then came Michael, one winter day I was home taking care of Al as he had just had neck decompression surgery I went to the pharmacy to pick up his medications. While I was there it dawned on me that I had not had my cycle yet that month. This was nothing really unusual as I had not had a “normal” cycle since my gastric bypass surgery. I went to the isle and picked up a test. I of course picked up the least expensive as ALL the previous tests had come back negative. I was truly not anticipating anything different this time.

When I got home I gave Al his medications, went to the restroom and did the deed {I peed on the stick}. Setting it aside I got sidetracked taking care of Al and proceeded to start moving furniture from the basement to the upstairs. The day went on and it was time to help Al into the shower. It was at that moment I glanced over and found the test I had forgotten all about. “Oh My God!!!” I yelled out “It is Positive”. Needless to say I had to go to the drug store and buy 2 more tests to convince myself and Al that this was a reality.

Then there were two..

Maddy went from only child to “sister” with one pee. We were not expecting this to happen {into our 6th year of marriage} in fact we were already planning on what we were going to do after Maddy was done with high school, now we had to figure out how to tell our “only child” that she now had to share us. Not only that but the age gap, how do you raise 2 kids with 10 years between them to be close?

We started in the delivery room. Maddy got to see the show up front and center, and in the end she became “the big sister”.

Over the last 4 years Maddy has done well and I think that the age gap actually helped in the respect that we do not have the sibling rivalry although, now that Maddy is a teenager she does get quite annoyed at her 4 year old brother’s antics at times.

Their relationship is a work in progress. It is difficult for Maddy at times. Just like it is hard for us she has a hard time accepting and dealing with the behaviors Michael displays. He wants her constant attention and as a parent we want her to but the reality of it is that she is a teenager and Michael is 4.

We can not predict the future, we can not make them “friends” but we can be patient, sit back and watch their relationship grow into what ever it ends up being.

Regardless they are ours we love them both the same.

Do you have children with large gaps in age? How has it turned out for you? What do you do to keep them close?

{Little Adventures}

Looking back 3 years ago, Michael was barley sitting up on his own he was still very wobbly, no sounds other than crying and no real acknowledgement to his surroundings.

Four words come to mind, Sadness, Fear, Resentment, and Anger.
That was a difficult time for us. We were so fearful and full of sadness that we did not know what was to become of our little boy. Will he ever be able to play, to pretend, or laugh?? The feelings anger and resentment because one of our family members had a baby not to long after Michael was born and he was enjoying all the things a 1 year old would normally enjoy.

All of that is now becoming a distant memory.
Fast forward to present time, Michael now age 4 and doing the things he should be doing. Who are we to say “He should be doing this” or “He should be doing that.” Michael is Michael. Michael is growing, learning, and playing in his own way {Michael’s way}

Oh how we love it!

Yesterday as I was picking up toys at the end of the night I realized just how lucky we are. All the time I hear other mom’s say “They grow up so fast” as I hear them say this I can think to myself how lucky we are that we get to have Michael as our little baby boy just a bit longer than the rest. We get to take our time and grow with him at his pace and enjoy every tiny detail.

In the last 6 months Michael has really started to do a lot of different things. He is talking so much more and starting to put words together to make two word statements. I love this! I love hearing my name “Momma”, I love that when I drop him off at school he doesn’t want me to leave calling out to me “Momma”. I love that at the end of the night he tells me “Momma Pillow” to indicate he wants me to lay down with him.
I love all of these things!

We are now taking trips, little adventures….

We have been able to see our little boy express his imagination. He goes around the house with his airplane saying “fly” he wants to go on a trip. He takes us along in his play. We get to be his co pilots and what an honor this is. We can pretend we are going into outer space, and if you ask him if he wants to be a space man he gets very excited and loudly says “YES” and that he needs a “mask”.

We also take trips in his tent. Never did I think 3 years ago that someday we would be crawling under the dining room table. The table with a blanket draped over it, a string of flip flop sandal novelty lights hung up underneath and pillows and blankets inside to create the perfect get away.
His tent, a place where he likes Mommy and Daddy to come and lay with him, a place where he can sit and look through his picture book pointing at objects and trying to say what they are {successfully a lot of the time}

We take trips to the park {the living room park} where Michael will lay out a placemat with his empty cup and plate, where he puts a pillow on the floor calling out “Momma pillow” for me to come sit on the pillow at his picnic. A place where the cup and plate are not really empty at all in our world as he lifts the cup to my mouth and says “mom juice” so I can have a drink, then the plate so I can pick up the invisible sandwich to eat it.

I love our new places, I love that we can go anywhere and we can go together now.
I look forward to many new adventures in far away lands.
Thank you for taking us on this journey with you Son.

{The most perfect day}

I woke up at 5:30 am yesterday to a sweet and happy boy. This to me is my sweet spot. The place where my sweet, boy is not filled with frustration and anger.

After the week we had it is like being able to breathe again. {He is very cyclic}

Here’s what a perfect day for us would be, and was.

We ate some breakfast, watched a bit of T.V. Daddy came home from an early am job he had to do and played with Michael for a couple hours before he had to go back to work. Then the thing I look forward to....nap time. Oh no not just for Michael. No, this momma has stopped taking advantage of his nap time to do things and will usually lay down with him. Yesterday’s nap was a record 3 hours 8:30 to 11:30.

Daddy came home for lunch. Then off I went to take Michael to school. Yesterday when we got to school it was different. Normally when I take him as soon as he hits the floor he is saying “bye” to me and scooting off to play. Yesterday he got on the floor, started to do the whimper cry and say “Momma, Momma, and Momma”. I know sad right? Still it was a perfect thing to happen. He wasn't screaming and throwing a fit but rather, he was being quieter and using his words. {Our inside voice coupled with emotional expression. Progress!}

While Michael was in school I went to get some things done and when I returned to get him I was early {usually the case with me I have phobia about being late}.
I was very excitedly greeted by his teacher and physical therapist. Open arms and hugs as I was told Michael used his walker to walk in class.
Of course it was at that moment that it was everyone’s time to leave. Eileen prompted Michael to stand {verbally} he then turned around to stand in the walker and held on correctly. Michael started to walk! Eileen was walking behind him but not supporting him. He was doing it by himself. At one point a couple of his class mates started saying “Come on Michael you can do it!”During the huge event I was standing behind a door and peaking around the edge so I could see him but he could not see me. I was sobbing like a baby {quietly of course}. As soon as Michael saw me he was all done. He sat down in his chair and the many praises flooded from me to him.

Son we are so incredibly proud of you. You continue over time to beat the odds. You keep pushing on. We are so thankful you chose us to be your parents. We love you

{I am the Child}

I am the child who cannot talk.
You often pity me, I see it in your eyes.
You wonder how much I am aware of -- I see that as well.
I am aware of much, whether you are happy or sad or fearful,
patient or impatient, full of love and desire,
or if you are just doing your duty by me.
I marvel at your frustration, knowing mine to be far greater,
for I cannot express myself or my needs as you do.

You cannot conceive my isolation, so complete it is at times.
I do not gift you with clever conversation, cute remarks to be laughed over and repeated.
I do not give you answers to your everyday questions,
responses over my well-being, sharing my needs,
or comments about the world about me.

I do not give you rewards as defined by the world's standards -- great strides in
development that you can credit yourself;
I do not give you understanding as you know it.
What I give you is so much more valuable -- I give you instead opportunities.
Opportunities to discover the depth of your character, not mine;
the depth of your love, your commitment, your patience, your abilities;
the opportunity to explore your spirit more deeply than you imagined possible.
I drive you further than you would ever go on your own, working harder,
seeking answers to your many questions with no answers.
I am the child who cannot talk.

I am the child who cannot walk.
The world seems to pass me by.
You see the longing in my eyes to get out of this chair, to run and play like other children.
There is much you take for granted.
I want the toys on the shelf, I need to go to the bathroom, oh I've dropped my fork again.
I am dependent on you in these ways.
My gift to you is to make you more aware of your great fortune,
your healthy back and legs, your ability to do for yourself.
Sometimes people appear not to notice me; I always notice them.
I feel not so much envy as desire, desire to stand upright,
to put one foot in front of the other, to be independent.
I give you awareness.
I am the child who cannot walk.

I am the child who is mentally impaired.
I don't learn easily, if you judge me by the world's measuring stick,
what I do know is infinite joy in simple things.
I am not burdened as you are with the strife's and conflicts of a more complicated life.
My gift to you is to grant you the freedom to enjoy things as a child,
to teach you how much your arms around me mean, to give you love.
I give you the gift of simplicity.
I am the child who is mentally impaired.

I am the disabled child.
I am your teacher. If you allow me,
I will teach you what is really important in life.
I will give you and teach you unconditional love.
I gift you with my innocent trust, my dependency upon you.
I teach you about how precious this life is and about not taking things for granted.
I teach you about forgetting your own needs and desires and dreams.
I teach you giving.
Most of all I teach you hope and faith.
I am the disabled child.

Author Unknown