Today was a very difficult day for me. Michael is sick and when Michael is sick it is like Linda Blair moves in and takes over. The self inflicting injury, the constant screaming, throwing him self backwards. Really it is like it is not my little boy in these momentsAbout the first 3-4 hours things are manageable but long about the 4th hour. You can’t take it any more! You just want to scream {STOP!}.
Now the first hour starts at about 4:45 am so about 8:45 am I am trying to get him to settle down and take a nap. Not today. Today he wanted to do everything mentioned above and soo much more.
I finally got Michael to go to sleep at about 12:30pm. I fell asleep to.
Normally I will stay awake as it is my only time to have a conscious, quiet moment to myself {and I want to be awake to enjoy it and or to allow myself to process the overwhelming feelings}.
I woke up an hour and a half later to Michael screaming PANTS! I get up and the time it takes me to grab a diaper and wipes I must have heard him scream PANTS! 10 times. Believe me I have a sense of urgency when it comes to Michael but I could not seem to move fast enough.
It is these moments that I have to even quicker than I got the diaper, go outside because my mind starts to go to {dark places}. I start to cry and become so utterly down on myself for even thinking them.
I wish I could say that the afternoon improved after the nap but it just got increasingly worse. I am careful with my tone and my body language because Michael is smart he knows when mom is at her breaking point and even when I do watch those things he still knows.
I found myself scrolling through my phonebook on my phone wondering who I could call. Who would be willing to come {HELP} me? Instead I found myself in the fetal position on the couch balling like a baby.
Thankfully the good Lord above obviously saw my dilemma and Al came home at 5 rather than 6. Being the good husband that he is he didn’t waste time asking stupid questions. He just went into action.
We needed some things from the grocery store, so Al bundled Michael up and took him to go get the items so I could get into the bath{sorry folks at the grocery for my son hacking and coughing all over you, you should be sick in about 48-72 hours}
I without delay started up the bath and got in it while it was filling up..All of a sudden there was just as much water coming out of my eyes as there was in the tub. I am starting to go back to the dark places again. All the pressures of Michael and worries about work start to take over.
My mind starts to think, I could just lie down in here under the water, would it hurt? Would it be fast? I hate it when those thoughts come into my mind. I can tell you I would never act on them as I do value my life, my son, my husband, and my daughter. It just gets exhausting at times.
Suddenly and oddly enough just as the thoughts came in they go out and my mind is then filled with the song {I will survive} I know the content of the song does not apply but I can’t always control the things that come in and out of this crazy head of mine.
So now Here I sit, typing away letting it all out while Michael is being occupied by Daddy and dinner is in the oven. Soon, very soon in about an hour to be exact it will be bed time for Michael. It is our time to talk about the day and to finish crying it out.
Do you ever go to the dark places? What do you do when you are in them? Do you talk to people, cry, pray, take medication?
Don’t say you have never been there because I am going to step out and say I am pretty sure everyone has had a moment or two in their life.
My friend, I have been to those dark places. First, as soon as your sun starts to go down call us. I don't care if it is sleeting sideways we will come. Don't be alone (adult alone) like that. Second, I take HTP-5 and multivitamins...if I don't, it gets ugly. Since the surgery my hormones have been way off. Most days it works and on the days when I think nothing helps, I take a pregnenolone too. I did the research and some say don't ever take it but when I do and just as the world is about to end, it gets better. Do the research on that one before you take it. Some folks have a bad reaction. Other than that I have always been told "When you can't stand anymore, hit your knees and pray."
ReplyDeleteI MEAN for you to call us before it gets too much. I know you are having a hard time with his other mother gone. We will do what we can.
Oh Shar 1st off your such a beautiful person inside and out .yes I feel crazy im new at this parenting thing she's a good baby but I have felt overwhelmed I hate it maybe as women we hold our selfs to seriously too much . The dark places have come in to all of our minds from time too tiits just a thought ..I just reminder this has to get better :)
ReplyDeleteThank you to both of you and I will call.
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