I was playing Chef with Michael this morning taking turns back and forth, stirring a non existent substance in a bowl, and taking slurps off the wooden spoon saying “ummmm.” When, suddenly it dawned on me that I can play now.My struggle to play started many years ago; I was married to my first husband Shawn who had twins a boy and a girl. We had recently been given custody of them and I suddenly went from being a grown up to having to interact and play.
I had such anxiety over playing. I found it uncomfortable to pretend, make funny voices, going vroom with the cars. Anything that involved play or pretending was beyond what I could handle. In fact, I actually sought out help from a child physiologist to express these anxious feelings.
Being an only child my life was surrounded with lots of love, I was very spoiled. But, no one played with me. I learned at a very young age how to show love, communicate, and become the world’s greatest shopper. Everywhere I turned I was with a bunch of adults. Yes, they loved me but they all had their own agendas and did not take the time to play. Play was usually by myself, in my own world.
After my first marriage ended I remarried and was blessed to have another child in my life. Who again liked to play, pretend, sing, act silly all the things a normal child would want to do. I just couldn’t do it. I just could not let my guard down, let loose, not worry about making a fool of myself and play. Al would let the kids get temper paints out, huge rolls of paper, spread them out onto the kitchen floor, strip down the kids and let them go at it. No hold bar!! Paint as far as the eye could see!! I would get so freaked out by it all, the mess!! I was also secretly jealous I wanted so deeply to be able to just play. I would alienate myself by not interacting.
I was good at loving, nurturing and guiding, but not encouraging play.
It wasn’t until I had Michael that I learned, and actually it was a process. When he was an infant I thought, “I have this mommy thing down.” “This is right up my alley.” But of course it was because all he needed was someone to care for him and love on him. Then he started to interact, for me this came much later due to Michael’s delays and I have to think that that was in God’s great plan of it all. He knew that the delay would allow me the time to slowly get used to the water.
When Michael started to interact first I would play just when it was me and him all alone. I was still not comfortable with making silly noises, signing ridiculous songs in front of my husband. As time went by I could play with my whole family. Now, I don’t care who is around. Half the time when we are out in public you will find me racing his wheel chair through the store yelling “you’re careening out of controooleeee!!!” as I drive him around recklessly, vroom, vroom, singing the songs of the day with him.
I am thankful for play. I am thankful that I now can enjoy it, embrace it, and not miss out on such a huge part of life.
ACT SILLY, DRESS UP, MAKE SILLY FACES, SING SILLY SONGS, LET THEM BE MESSY …………And PLAY PLAY PLAY!!!
