Recently I have had the need to change daycare providers for Michael. I can’t tell you how much anxiety this causes us ALL but especially me.
Being a mother to a child that can not yet fully express the things that happen through the day is very worrisome. We are forced into a position where we have to trust another person with our precious Michael. When in my mind I start to think {what if they poison his food, what if they take off with him to another state, what if, what if, what if}
We do all we can to make sure it is a safe, clean, structured environment. We run national background checks {have to make sure we cover it all}, and do everything aside from full on interrogation {with water boarding}.
When I am faced with situations like this it takes me back to the night we brought Michael home. Just 24 hours after giving birth to him, we came home and life was good, then all of a sudden while I was lying on our bed I started to cry like nothing before. Al came in, lay next to me, and asked why I was crying. All I could say is “I didn’t think I would be so sad with him on the outside. I want to keep him inside by belly forever so I can protect him.”
As time goes by I am able to see just how over-protective I am. Sometimes, to Michael’s disadvantage.
I puréed his food until he was a year and a half for fear he would choke. I would think {he has a tiny throat, the food is going to get stuck and then I have to do CPR!} To this day I have to sometimes get up from the table and go to another room because the fear is still there. Thank God Daddy is brave and can be my strength.
When we are in the store or in public places if I even remotely hear someone cough or sneeze we quickly redirect our path to avoid them. In my mind {they might have H1N1, The Bird Flue, or some other God forsaken air born disease}
Then there is the school bus, Oh the bus…What a huge thing that was. The very thought of my little 3 year old being lifted into a bus to go to school terrified me. Even though we knew it was important for his development I had a very hard time with it. Again my mind starts to run away with me {What if the driver is a child abuser? Then I would have to kill him, Michael would have to visit me in prison, I don’t look good in orange, What if they drop him off at the wrong place? What if they get in an accident? What if a train hits them on the tracks? }
The list is long, so long that this particular subject has the potential of becoming a very lengthy novel.
Over time I have learned to suppress these fears of mine but, every once in a while they rear their ugly little heads and I find myself laying on my bed again that night we brought Michael home, wishing he was still in my belly.
Having a child that has special needs, I have more of a responsibility to make sure I do not over-protect him. It is our job to make sure he can be independent and self sufficient. I have to put myself in uncomfortable situations to make sure he is able to experience life the way it is intended. So he can learn and grow.
So, today as I have to take it one day at a time, I will tell the over-protective mom to have a seat, as we have some living to do without her fearfully nagging in my ear.
