{The Story of SHMILY}

S.H.M.I.L.Y ...See How Much I Love You!!

SHMILY{pronounced Shimlie} started his life in our family about 9 years ago. Al and I read an article in the news paper about a couple who had been married for like 40 years the husband and wife would go around the house and write notes simply saying SHMILY on them in odd places like in the middle of a toilet paper roll, in the flour canister, all sorts of places that when the other one would come across it they would be reminded how much the other one loved them. We loved the Idea so much that we decided to put a spin on it. Being the odd duck that my husband can be he wrote it on a small baby doll and we would start to place SHMILY in weird places so we could each find it and remember our deep love for one another. I would find him under the covers so when I went to go to bed I would find him, hanging from a doorway, sitting in my makeup drawer.

Years later this has become very important as our challenges with Michael are very overwhelming at times. I am writing this now because the last week has been extraordinarily difficult for us.

Michael..we love you son but you have been so exhausting lately, we are grateful for the Yeses and No's you can tell us but we wish you could tell us more as to why you are so angry these days. You have started to bite your arms and hands, hitting yourself, and banging your head randomly or when you don't get your way again and this is so utterly disturbing to us. We can see that you are not injuring yourself that it is superficial but it still makes it hard to watch. You are also starting to wake up angry in the night time again.

Son, we wish we could take it all away, what ever it is. It seems you go through this about every 6 weeks its very cyclic. We wish that life was easy for you because we hate seeing you so upset and we are tired from it. We hate that each day this last week all we can look forward to is for your bed time that we will finally get some time of silence as your fit throwing has been lasting all day unless you are napping, we get lucky and find a program on T.V. you like, or someone stops by to visit us and you put your best foot forward to show off. We get on the floor and play with you and you get mad and start throwing your toys across the room, We try to get close to you and love on you and you pull my hair and try to scratch my face. Son we love you more than words can say. We want more than anything for you to be happy. We know that your not going to be happy all the time, We know that you are still little and you will outgrow this stage at least We pray you will. We are hanging on as our love for you keeps us going. You don't see us when we meet in the kitchen and all we can do is hug each other as we both start to cry out of sadness,exhaustion and a feeling of hopelessness, you don't see how we have to take turns to be with you so that we can cope with this insane behavior, you don't see that we feel helpless when you attack me physically when you are in the heat of the moment, you don't see the utter sadness when we have to seek out professional help to find ways to protect ourselves and help you learn to self sooth and cope with your anger. You are so strong and you hurt me. We know you aren't a bad boy, we know that you are not psycho, we know you are very frustrated but it still hurts. Its still hard to understand sometimes, why you can be such an angel for everyone else yet you act out with us. It feels never ending, it feels like you hate us, it feels hopeless at times. I get scared to see daddy leave for work knowing that I am going to be left alone to make it through the day with your anger and frustration. We pray this cycle is almost over, we pray that its a short one so we can have the sweet boy back that we know you really are, we pray that these outbursts start to lessen as you get older and mature. We are thankful that this usually only lasts for a couple weeks then we have at least a good few weeks of our sweet boy. We love you son, we are hanging on, we hope that you can SHMILY.